5 Things You Should Ask on the 2nd Date...
Nowadays, I’m a nervous wreck when I go on first dates. As much as I try to remain cool, calm, and collected, deep down inside, my brain, blood pressure, and heart rate are all joining in a dance that looks something like this:
Why is there so much pressure to know everything about a person on the first dates? In my eyes, your first time meeting a stranger should be reserved for chemistry testing and questions that you would fill out on a job application: Name, age, previous/current occupation, level of compatibility with each other’s sense of humor, you know, the basics. Then, if it just so happens that you both can stand to see each other again, it’s the second date is where the mid to heavy lifting should come into play.
You're not going to know everything about a person the first time you share a coffee with them. Each individual we come across in life has his/her set of stories to tell, some sweet and comical, others dark and traumatic. Meaning we should build up to knowing their inward ticks and triggers, peeling back each layer over time.
I know people who spill word-vomit all over the new people they meet in an effort to “keep them around,” but if someone already knows everything they need to know about you, what's their motivation to keep coming back?
On the flips side of this, there are a few things about a person that can tell you all you need to know before deciding whether you want to pursue things even further. A lot of times, especially with women, a man will tell us exactly what he’s looking for and what kind of guy he really is, but it’s up to us to LISTEN.
The best way to navigate each lane is by knowing that right questions to ask from the jump so no one’s time or energy gets wasted.
So let’s stop the guessing game. Put your anxieties to rest and take note of the 5 questions you should *really* ask on a second date:
This one question can easily tell you everything you need to know about a person before you finish your glass of wine. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship and want to be married in the next 2-3 years, and he wants to just “kick it” and “see what’s out there,” then you’re next move, sis, is requesting a takeout tray and proceeding to the nearest exit. No matter how fabulous you are, you can’t make a man want what he doesn’t already want for himself. If you two aren’t on the same page from the jump, no amount of sex, rubbing his waves, or helping him get on his feet is going to get you all there 6 months down the line. Save yourself the stress.
This may not be a big deal to some of my soul sisters out here, but for the rest of us, it’s the foundation. We’re all on different paths in our spiritual journeys and are coming into our own understanding of who God is to us, but if there is one thing I know to be true, it’s that two unequally yokes individuals will never work (I repeat, NEVER).
You’ll have to adjust how you speak, compromise your beliefs, and may even be tempted into to doing things that aren’t in alignment with your inner being. You don’t have to pry away at how many times that person prays a day, or if they can name every book in the Bible, but if they sneeze, and you say, “God bless you,” and they cringe, do you really need to stay for desert?
You can debate me on this, but I’m not budging: music is an energy source. Personally, I don’t know where I would be without music. Last summer, DAMN and CRTL got me through some really dark times and in 6th grade, Paramore dang near saved my life, so that should tell you something. When you ask someone about the last concert they’ve been too, you get to know their musical tastes, how “cultured” they are, and if they have an adventurous side to them. Not to mention, who wants to plan a summer road trip with someone you’re not musically compatible with? Not I.
The saying goes, “Home is where the heart is,” and this couldn’t be more true. When you find out here someone is from, you get to know where their roots are planted. Did they move around a lot as a child? Why did they leave home? Was it for college or a new job opportunity? Have they ever left the state or do they even plan to? Where do they plan to settle down 5-10 years down the line? You can tap into so much about a person just by knowing where they call home.
And when I say “relationship” I mean r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p, not that “we were talking” stuff. Contrary to popular belief, determining when someone was last in a relationship can determine whether that person is ready to be in another one (just trust me on this, I’ve lived it).
If you meet someone who is in the 1-week to 9-month mark of being out of a long-term, “we were in love” relationship, you, my friend, are just a rebound. Sure, on the rare occasion they may find a space to heal by being with you, but being someone’s love doctor and therapist is an occupation that’s way above most of our paygrade. In this case, refer to QUESTION #1 to determine how to proceed here. But I say, run.
Before you go: remember, dates are for conversations, not interrogations. Approach each question with grace, kindness and a sense of humor; no one wants to add to the awkwardness that these things tend to bring. And of course, have fun! Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts on today’s topic, I’d love to hear!