Why I Stopped "Working On Myself."
One night during a monthly insomniac episode, something (*God*) told me to look at the old webcam videos on my laptop. Sure, it was a random request; I mean it’s been years since I looked at them, I wouldn’t be surprised if the files collected virtual cobwebs. Still, I followed the voice and what I found were years’ worth of footage documenting the relentless tussle between me and my arch nemesis, love. Videos dating back as far as 2013 stored long-forgotten confessionals of sophomore crushes and summer internships flings. As I watched, half modified, half intrigued, I began to notice a trend with every single clip: love has ruled my life FOREVER.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know my story: I’ve never had a boyfriend... ever. With this reality, I’ve cultivated this space to document all of the woes of my “love” life to help others with theirs. In this time, I’ve found my refuge in watching Christian self-help videos ranging from “How to be more feminine,” “What to do when you’re single and not mingling,” and my personal favorite, “Why you might die alone.”
But over the last month or so, I’ve grown increasingly annoyed with the influx of “get wife-ed” quick schemes and have made the conscious decision to log off!For years, I’ve sat around my computer screen taking notes on being the best me, and ways to work on myself, allowing strangers to feed me step-by-step instructions on how to get chose. I’ve allowed myself to be seduces by their methodologies in order to “be found.” It’s taken me a while, years even, to realize that enough is enough; I’m done “working on myself.”
The last video I watched was by a Christian YouTuber who specializes in dating with a purpose. Now, I’d be a liar if I didn’t accredit her for being a key influence with me building my confidence and honing into myselfas a fierce woman of God. But there was something about her last webinar that left me feeling turned off, per say.
During the hour-long session, she discussed a personal study she conducted with single men in her circle who disclosed how women can be “more attractive” to attract a potential mate. As I listened to her share the findings, something in my spirit was telling me to turn off the video. Confused, I was like, “What? Why? This is my girl, she’s gotta know what she’s talking about.” Then I felt God tell me that this was it, log off the page because this would be the last of these types of videos that I would be watching.
When you’ve been single for as long as I have, you begin to feel desperate at some point, as if there just has to be something wrong with you if you have not a single prospect in your back pocket to text or call in the dawn of cuffing season. You think to yourself, “What more do I need to do?!” Is it my hair? Am I not fit enough? Should I have said something to that guy that said excuse me when he walked by me at the store? Does my breath offend? When in actuality, it’s none of that at all, like, at all.Look, there’s nothing that I can do within my limited human abilities to make my man come any sooner than what he already will. *pause* There’s nothing I canwear, watch, read, study, or change to make he arrive.
I’ve allowed myself to feel like there was this checklist I needed to complete before I was the perfect women and God decided to say, “Okay Aley, you did it! You’re finally the perfect woman, so here’s your man!” Truth is, the work is never done. Even when I meet Mr. Right, there will still be things that God is going to be working on in and through me that are going to need my attention; only then, I’ll just so happen to have my man there to assist in the process. But this work? This work I’m doing now is between me and God and I have to say we’re doing one heck of a job together.At this point in my life, I feel so good about myself. I like me face more. My hair is growing wild, spiraling out of my roots. God is speaking to me. I have people around me who I can actually call friend. My mental health is at an all-time high in terms of stability. And I’m smiling... a lot. As much as I’d like to take all the credit for this or pay homage to all the love guru’s I’ve been consumed with, the only being that can take the credit for this is the man upstairs, G-O-D.
I’ve been “working on myself” for years y’all. I've been alone, dated, the whole nine and I still have no man (lmboooo). It’s not because I’m this wreck of a women or because there’s just one more thing I have to achieve, it’s because it’s not in God’s timing... yet. He’s heard my prayers, my cries, and knows all too well of my sexual frustrations, but I know that even in the silence of my single season, he’s strategizing on my behalf.
He’s got a king set aside for me who’s literally going to blow my mind. All there’s left for me to do is believe.
Before you leave: Let me know your thoughts on this post in the comments below? Are you tried of "working on yourself"? Leave a comment letting me know, I want to hear!
Peace, peace, peace,